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11 June 2001 @ 02:02 am
my summers of sadness  
that last thing wasnt a birthday hint list. honestly. I would never ask my friends for things that cost over $20. of couse if someone got me something voer $20 I wouldn't refuse it, but I would feel bad because I'm always so cheap.
I dont really know what I want. I guess I kinda want action figures, like I should at least get Sagat and CHu-li. but I guess right now I just want,... I dont know.

I'm sad because the kittens died earlier this evening. They didn't die, they were actually put to sleep. even cracker jack. they just weren't eating, and weren't gonna make it, and their temp was like 10 degrees below what it sould have been. they were just failing like broken car with no gas and thoes little spare tires on them. It dosent really suprise me, though. Summer is the time for death. Since like 7th grade or something something, or someone I care about has died during the summer. usually it has been cats, but three times it's been friends. usually the earlier into summer the less the severity of the reprocussions. like this time, it's still the beginning of june, so the reprocussions arent too big. but like when my first Girlfriend died in late August right before freshmen year of High school or Adrian dieing in October they were greater. I'm glad I got the dying over with soon, so hopefully the pattern will continue and nothing more will happen this year. but still I'm sad. sad and drained. It's sad to think that like less then 12 hours I was holding them in my lap, and petting them, and watching cracker jack chase poor blind and confused gohan around the living room. I had a feeling that some of them would die, but not all of them, especially not cracker jack. I wish I had something to break, but I dont. I just kinda sit here, and feel this pain in my chest that is my emotions getting stuffed away. I've always wondered why it is that that happens. why your chest? why anything.

I'm not complaining. all this strife sure makes life interesting. and I'm always hoping intereseting stuff like this happens to me. it makes dramatic stories, and it gives me alot to think about, and put in perspective and stuff. I like to think that it makes me strong. and I really think it does. I always wonder If I am strong enough to handle stuff like this. I like to think that I am, but there is also a lot of places that I know I am deficent. that's just the fun part though, watching myself get stronger. it's fun, and it gives my life meaning. of course, as part of that, I need to teach other people about what I have learned. I hope people are learning from me. that's all that realy matters. even if I dont get to do anything, at least I've made people thnk. that's always been my goal. SOmetiems I forget it, but It's so engrained in my nature, that I've gotten in the habbit of doing it even when I'm not aware.
that's one of the things I should work on. i have alot to work on. like my comic, for example. man, I'm so tired, but I need to keep going. man, I"m drained, and I just want to play FF9. I want so much, I wonder how much I'll achieve.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: none
Daniel Saviosacredlunatic on June 11th, 2001 02:40 am (UTC)
I'm sorry Chris, I hope your kitties died painlessly. Try not to take it to hard.
Siner Dsirnerd on June 11th, 2001 03:00 am (UTC)
the chest pain thing
my aunt always told me that it's bad if you feel that. it means you have like super sadness in you and you have to get rid of it or vent it out or share it with someone. she's the one who said that once the mom of the family is gone, the whole family falls apart. she was right about that, so i'm assuming she's right about the chest pains too. but of course she was also a retard who said stupid things a lot. and the fact that she was right about the mom thing pissed me off. but yeah, all my other korean relatives say it's good to cry sometimes and not hold that stuff in, but after so much stuff happens you get into the mentality that it shouldn't affect you anymore or phase you as much as the first time someone or something died. personally it's still the same for me when someone dies, i just accept it quicker and hide it in public better now. anyways yeah, life is weird. and weird things happen. i guess that's the fun part, or the interesting part atleast. it's like an rpg, except you get xp when bad things happen too. and you have to stick around for the end because that's the best part.
Supervisory Substancephatpharmer on June 11th, 2001 04:24 pm (UTC)
Re: the chest pain thing
deaths always seem to come in clusters for me, like when I was 12 and my grandma and both of my great grandparents died, along with two of my dad's friends and my goldfish (big surprise there :P), all in a year, and I learned to get really hardened and to deal with death as this anonymous event and to deal with dead people as non-people who's memories I sort of down-played. So there I was all jaded and waiting for the whole world to die, and then nobody died for years and years. I had to go back and undo all the adjustment I had done and finally mourne those people to get out of that headspace. And whadya know, right when I was a well adjusted sensitive person again, my grandpa had to get a stroke and my Uncle had lose his job and go to rehab for cocaine and booze (a twelver of Rolling Rock and a bottle of brandy a day whoowhee, it's weird comforting your Uncle while he's puking). Anyways, letting your gaurd down is good, but it can be a bit of a gamble sometimes.
Jack Shadowsjiffyclub on June 11th, 2001 11:54 am (UTC)

Sad for kittens and you. Cats are my favorite animal. Several of mine have died too. During winter while I was here at school one of the cats that I've had since I was like 5 got too sick and we had to put him to sleep. That was sad.

Last week I was walking back from class and as I walked past some bushes I heard a meow and I looked around and there was this mangy white cat sitting in a little opening in the bushes looking straight at me. I smiled at it and it made me feel better about stuff.
Travistearak on June 11th, 2001 06:23 pm (UTC)
well, I'm glad you've got a hold of it.
Emikaemika on June 11th, 2001 08:09 pm (UTC)
Chest Pains
I think your chest hurts because that is where your heart is.
Helenhelen on June 12th, 2001 12:41 pm (UTC)
I'm really sad about the kittens too. I really didn't think they'd die. And when I came over last night I was looking forward to playing with them. I had to try not to cry when I heard. but then again I was all sad already...I should tell you about that...

...stuffing emotions away...

bah. so much I want to talk to you about. and then I forget to. I still don't understand you at all really.

I guess I'll call you when I get home from work. whether you want me to or not.