MegaMan (megaman) wrote,

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my summers of sadness

that last thing wasnt a birthday hint list. honestly. I would never ask my friends for things that cost over $20. of couse if someone got me something voer $20 I wouldn't refuse it, but I would feel bad because I'm always so cheap.
I dont really know what I want. I guess I kinda want action figures, like I should at least get Sagat and CHu-li. but I guess right now I just want,... I dont know.

I'm sad because the kittens died earlier this evening. They didn't die, they were actually put to sleep. even cracker jack. they just weren't eating, and weren't gonna make it, and their temp was like 10 degrees below what it sould have been. they were just failing like broken car with no gas and thoes little spare tires on them. It dosent really suprise me, though. Summer is the time for death. Since like 7th grade or something something, or someone I care about has died during the summer. usually it has been cats, but three times it's been friends. usually the earlier into summer the less the severity of the reprocussions. like this time, it's still the beginning of june, so the reprocussions arent too big. but like when my first Girlfriend died in late August right before freshmen year of High school or Adrian dieing in October they were greater. I'm glad I got the dying over with soon, so hopefully the pattern will continue and nothing more will happen this year. but still I'm sad. sad and drained. It's sad to think that like less then 12 hours I was holding them in my lap, and petting them, and watching cracker jack chase poor blind and confused gohan around the living room. I had a feeling that some of them would die, but not all of them, especially not cracker jack. I wish I had something to break, but I dont. I just kinda sit here, and feel this pain in my chest that is my emotions getting stuffed away. I've always wondered why it is that that happens. why your chest? why anything.

I'm not complaining. all this strife sure makes life interesting. and I'm always hoping intereseting stuff like this happens to me. it makes dramatic stories, and it gives me alot to think about, and put in perspective and stuff. I like to think that it makes me strong. and I really think it does. I always wonder If I am strong enough to handle stuff like this. I like to think that I am, but there is also a lot of places that I know I am deficent. that's just the fun part though, watching myself get stronger. it's fun, and it gives my life meaning. of course, as part of that, I need to teach other people about what I have learned. I hope people are learning from me. that's all that realy matters. even if I dont get to do anything, at least I've made people thnk. that's always been my goal. SOmetiems I forget it, but It's so engrained in my nature, that I've gotten in the habbit of doing it even when I'm not aware.
that's one of the things I should work on. i have alot to work on. like my comic, for example. man, I'm so tired, but I need to keep going. man, I"m drained, and I just want to play FF9. I want so much, I wonder how much I'll achieve.

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