January 17th, 2001

MM2 ending

more fun with stupid me

Avast me hearties. I've been on the phone with Julia from 11 to 2:30. We talked about alot of stuff, a majority of it being Adrian (big suprise there.) On one hand it was nice to get to talk to her for a long time about that, because I really havent talked to anyone about Adrian dying. A lot of people got the impression that I didn't care that much or that I dont miss him, but I really do. It's no secret that Adrian was probably the person I cared about the most in my life, and it really does affect me that he's gone and I wont get to see him any more. Lately I have been really frusterated that I dont have him to talk to about the stuff that only we knew about, or cared about. I feel like 40% of the things that I want to talk about I Suddenly cant talk about. I still think about Adrian when ever I'm alone trying to go to sleep, or in the shower sequestered away from anything except my thoughts. I think about things like what had happened if I had made him get off satan AIM and do his UC application insead of saying "fine, you can figure it out later, I have to go home and do math homework." Then maybe he would be in this room with me keeping me up with his silly gutair instead of Joel's annoying smoker snore (he's been snoring much less lately.) That would have been fun, but that's not what happened. He went to Chico and Died, and now I'm here and I need to make the best of it.

To be honest I cant say that I didn't expect it. personally I would have bet money we would have died in his car once again not wearing his seatbelt. I imagined what would happen if Adrian were to suddenly die a million times, we even talked about it once. But I never Imagined that it would actually happen. As much as I played it out and prepared for the "what if..." growing up and growing old with Adrian was one of the few things that I could count on.

I didn't cry when I found out. I havent cried for real for a long time. I kinda hoped that I would, but I think my macho side won out. I just said the same thing that I said everyother time someone I love dies, "oh." I was kind of proud of myself for having reached a level of conditioning that I could survive an ordeal like this with out crying, but as the months amble past I feel as though I've also put a block on my other emotions as well. Stuff like Desire and love and happyness, as well as Anger and Jelousey. I feel like I am a more neutral, serene version of my past self, and even though that has its advantages, I miss feeling the full effect of my emotions swirl through my body. I Havent decided if I want to abondon the mellow balance I have found in my self, or go back and be the way I was a year ago. I should have that figured out by summer...

Talking to Julia also reminded me of all the frusterating stuff that Adrian did, especialy towards summer, when he was so obnoxious and annoying no one wanted to hang out with him. I have to selfishly say that if nothing else good came of this my life is much simpiler now. without going into specifics I can say that I only have to worry about my own life now, as opposed to worrying about mine, and then Adrian's on top of that. Of course, I would rather not have to pay such a high price for a little less worry.

You know it's funny. the first couple days I was here in santa Cruz I thought, "man, this place is like custome made for Adrian. There's lots of cool people, it's pretty and the beach is right here. plus everyone plays gutair and wants to be in a band, not to mention the easy and fun classes, and the hot and horny girls." It frusterates me today to think that if he had gone here he would have been super happy and still alive.

There is still a good amount of thoughts that I wanted to share, but It's tired and I'm forgetting what I wanted to say. I remember That I wanted to say that I miss Helen. for some reason after she visited I started feeling homesick. I miss her alot, and I miss all my friends alot. I'm also still worried that I'm just wasting my oppurtunity and my life here. I need to use this nice positive feeling as a mario brothers 1 springboard and start working on some real stuff. oh yeah, that reminds me... Pretty soon that last song Adrian Wrote should be on Mp3.com hopefully they wont review it indefinentaly, and it will actually go online. you can see it here:


that's about it for now. Maybe One day I'll write more. it would sad to think that all the stuff only I know would go down in history unrecorded....
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