May 24th, 2002


This is my Gender

Hello. I dress a lot more conservatively now that I'm in college. It's too bad.
I wish I could wear makeup, that made me look all pretty, and then everyone would lust after me.
There's this guy named Jared. And everyone knows him as Jared, cause he's popular. Except now he wants to be named Shakina, and he wears dresses and stuff. Except, he has really bad fashion sense. I saw him.
Wait; need to use female pronouns.
I saw her at an opening of a play that she "wrote" and she was wearing this really ugly dress, which was sad, because I could tell that she was trying to look all nice and dressed up. I kind of wanted to help her pick out her wardrobe or something, because it was embarrassing that a man who is going to challenge society by wearing dresses and hoop earrings should look so bad. It's a weird concept, a drag queen that can't dress well in drag. Except I guess she's not a drag queen, she's really a transsexual, or a "gender illusionist," as I once heard them called. I think it was on a Stand up routine by a drag queen. Actually, he was very not pretty in drag as well, but he was British, so that much was expected. I think he also talked about women going around shirtless. He was all, "guys can't approximate that." Like that rap star whose boob accidentally popped out at some award show. How can a guy do something like that, have half his nutsack hang out? I don't know. But I wish I did. Cause, it would be neat to know.
It's funny that my mom raised me to be a feminist. I remember when I was writing my play, Crystal Valley, I left all the characters without preset gender constraints, except the girl characters, of which there were only two. It really sucks for girls that there are so little good female roles in the theatre.

So, I wrote this play, and then I was like, oh, the female role is too airhead. And then I made her the one who actually solves the problems. When the director read it, she jokingly said that the subtext of that scene was that I was a feminist and it was a contrived situation to make the girl character the champion and the men look stupid and incompetent. And then I told her that was a large part of the motivation for that part being the way it was.

Girls are weird. I hung out with guys all up until college. Like, not exclusively, but the girls were always secondary. I think that one of the reasons my friends never got into fights is because none of us had girlfriends to screw things up. Of course, once we did� WHAM! Stupid girls.
Girls are weird because they always want to hug you. Hugging is strange. I don't think I'm very good at it. I kinda of like not hugging people, and my stupid aloofness. But you know, if you don't get close to someone, you can't be hurt by them.
Which is a really stupid philosophy. Buh! Buh! I say!

So I was at this party last night, and some guy was like, singing a really weird version of "we are the world" and talking about communism and how it's better than capitalism. That was kinda entertaining/ strange. hrm... that's not very descriptive. But yes... Earlier he went up to my friend and was like "let me guess, you're one of my lesbian sister." and she was like "sorta" and he said "well I'm your gay little brother!" and then he hugged her and kissed her on top of her head. He was actually like a foot and a half taller than her. I think it's interesting to think that something as silly and sexual preference can create this magical bond between two people, especially two people who have never met each other before, and have about 20 years age difference, and all these other differences. The guy began to talk about how gay people need to stick together, but I think my friend was kinda confused and didn't really want to talk to him, party because they were both drunk, and the music was too loud to hear anything, and party because he was weird. What made him weird? I don't think there was any actual reason, it's just something that you say when you're too lazy to really formulate any sort of real reason. I think it in this case means that my friend and I were just too lazy to want to actually talk about anything other than how we weren't getting enough sex, or how I walked in on some guy taking a crap with no clothes on.
It's kinda strange to think that that whole scenario even happened. Or that I even bothered to write it out.
Man, watching Episode II recently really has me thinking about star wars.

I have weird issues with touching people. That comes largely from my family experience. I was thinking the other day, about the ending of Jedi, and Luke and lei kissing and then Han comes in, and is all, woah! But they're like he's my brother. And I couldn't remember if they were kissing on the lips or not, but I thought they might have been, otherwise Han wouldn't have had that reaction. And then I thought, "do siblings kiss each other on the lips in "normal" families?" then, "do children kiss parents on the lips when in normal families?" then I thought that I really had no idea what "normal" family physical interactions were, because I don't think I've even hugged my mom or anything in a really long time, let alone my sister, or my dad. I went to my older half sister's wedding last weekend� It was a strange and mentally tumultuous experience for several reasons. Mainly, that I don't have a good interaction with my family as a whole, and I really only enjoy the company of my mom. I have nothing to say to my dad. And I don't know if he A) doesn't have anything to say to me, B) he's ashamed that there's nothing to talk about. I know that's how I feel.
So my sister's wedding was strange. It was almost a testament to my dad about how his family doesn't work. My older sister is actually my half sister. We have the same dad, but different moms. She grew up in wheaten IL with her mom. Her mom emigrated from Korea, along with 6 of her sisters, who all live on the East Coast with their own family. So on my sister's side there is like 20 cousins and stuff. They all grew up together and are close, and have childhood memories of activities. I don't even really have childhood memories of my sister� god, I don't even want to think about this. I really want to push it away, and not have to think about it. So I will stop, and maybe write more later.
So, yeah I'm pretty aloof. And I don't really touch people. And I wish I could. Cause I can tell when someone needs a hug, or something, but I just kinda stand around looking macho and cool. One of my friends remarked about my Japaneseness showing in the no touching respect (which has endless implications in its own respect.) I used to give backrubs often, and people would say that I was really good at them, but I think I've stopped being good� I think I've stopped being good at a lot of things. But I'm not going to talk about it to anyone. I'm just going to take it like a man. A man who never needs to ask for directions (I would like to stress the accuracy of that by doing this *********) um, yeah.
But I don't buy into the "man pays for everything" that's silly, and demeaning to women. I'm hungry.
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haha. found someone i know in the online personalls! hahaah.
of course, why I'm lookng at personals on friday night is a good question. but... uh, I'm gonna go to a party!
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