September 12th, 2006

Mega Man Party!

part 1

hello. i am in the main room of the hostel. by main roomm, i mean i am in the lounge and there are free computers here. also a tv. it:s nice here, it's a good recomendation from Bahia-chan. I will go here someother time. perhaps....

So burning man was recently. and i took a bunch of photos. I would have to say that there was only 6 pictures of me that i liked, and only 3 that i would be able to show. mostly i am fat looking. i compared to last years photos, and yes i am noticibly fatter. but we had a good time. it was a very different experince compared to going with ben. primarilay the absence of ben and the giant dome made a huge difference, as thoes two elements attracted many people to our camp. also ben is both high energy, and had already had his first year where you kinda chill out and take everything in and so when i was with him he wanted to do stuff all the time, which was really good because doing things is great.
I did take many good pictures this year, much more photos of people and stuff, plus i brought my nice SLR which was totally a fucking good idea. it got covered in playa, but it the photos were totally worth it. I'm glad alex turned out to be photogenic and enjoy having his picture taken, because he made a good subject. I definantly want to make prints of some BM photos this year, and I think the most interesting ones are some of the ones of him in the desert. So many thoes will make it on the walls. there are many other people here, but They arent too talkative. most speak english, but some dont.
Anyway, burning man was fun. I think going with helen and alex was bizzare, but in a good way. Definantly not something that I would have thought i would be doing, but we were able to have some good intamate conversations, which was good for me, and maybe for them as well? i can:t truly say.
So I got back at like 5 in the morning, and passed out on the couch until my mom came out and woke me up at like 7am. so i kinda got 2 hours of sleep. the first thing I did was check my email and of course found out that Jewels had died while I was away. I also found out that there was a thing at the children's theatre that afternoon for her. I hate thoes things. I am utterly depressed that I have not done enough with my life to deserve a memorial somewhere else if I were to die today. but memorials are weird in general but i digress... Yeah, so I spent the rest of the morning in a bizzare yet lucid state talking to jessie F and Caitlin and Mike and stuff, while also looking over the burning man photos, and thinking about my pending trip to japan. Thinking about the stuff we talked about in burning man, and how I was already not doing the things I said I needed to do. Why am I so Lazy? I hate it. It's a bizzare and surreal thought knowing Jewels is gone, so... random. I am sad that I didn:t get to help her pick out a new computer. I mean, not long previous to it, We were on stupid boardwalk rides together. bleep bloop. It led me to think of some story ideas. I should have sat down and started writting, but my lazyness just got in the way. I let myself rationalize being lazy and not starting by saying "oh, I:m tired, i just need some time to decompress from burning man and sit." but oh well. do i benefit by beating myelf up like this? maybe not. or maybe. I have no idea anymore, I just do it habitually. but yeah. that was a bizzare morning. plus I smelled really bad, like ass crack sweat and mildew and sweat and dirt.
so I also didn:t call bahia, or ever e-mail her to try and get ready to meet up in japan. Why didn:t i do that earlier? its the same thing I guess... lazyness. plus i was embarrased that I hadnt contacted her earlier, and so was almost afraid that she:d be mad or something. I don:t know I guess that dosen:t make sense, but that:s kinda what I was thinking. welllllll. I was also depressed at how fat I looked in my burning man pictures.
So, That evening I spent a few hours with caitlin Gerdrum. that was nice. we get along well, and even though she is like 6 years younger than me she is a good person to talk to. We went to the new fandango pizza location in midtown, and it was cool the pizza was coo, l and there was some bluegrass fiddelers. Then I went to nathan:s house that evening. and stayed there over night and into the next day. that was nice and relaxing until i took out my prince albert for an hour and then couldn:t get it back in, and somehow made myself bleed all over when I tried. So i eventually gave up and by the end of the night it had completly closed up and that sucked.
I was really depressed and worn out the next day because of that and just all the other stuff that had happened, but it really made me feel like a failure. and I really liked it too! I:m gonna need to get some new genital piercing, but I dont think anything can really compare to the reverse prince albert. but i dont think i can get it re-done becuase now there is a thing of scar tissue there. I was totally going to increase the guage too! man. i am sad.
of course, it was kinda a nuciance, and it kinda hurt me all the time, and bruised the inside of my ureathera and made me drip pee and i couldn:]r wear tight underwear, but i really did like the way it looked. now all thats left is a little pimple looking thing on the top of my glanus. yeah, that really depressed me.
I figured out where i want to get a tattoo. It will be a surprise, but I have two places I want tattoos, and they are both kinda silly, but at the same time, its like you only live once and so i should just do things. That:s kinda why i got my Prince albert (aside from liking the way it looked) but to just prove to myself that I am not afraid of things.
While at burning man there was a place that was giving free piercings, and I wanted to get my left nipple pierced, but i never did because they were busy or hung over or rad out of sterile needles. so oh well, back to staircase i go, i guess.
its too bad helen is too special to read or write in her livejournal.
My mom yelled at me alot for the day i spent at nathans house, lime "why are you screwing around when you know you need

On the 9th was my mothers 60th birthday. I kinda forgot. and didn:t do anything, or even say anything because I am a shitty selfish person. I've been trying to think of gifts to get people while I'm here but nothing is leaping out at me, and i can only think of myself. how did i get so selfish? Its so fucking lame. I feel like i7m just wasting money here and like drinks and food and stuff and not really enjoying it. but then, not enjoying it is kinda the story of my life.