I feel funny. I've felt funny all day today, and probably other days too reecently. I guess you could say I've been consumed by Adrian. It's all i think about lately. I've been thinking all day about all the things that i think about, and I just spent like an hour sitting outside looking at the meadow. it was reqally nice and warm out for 8:00 PM. And i thought about all the things I would like to put into this, and that most of it cant be expressed with a keyboard, and i wont remember it all. it's emotional. Liam asked my last night to reveal my insecurities to him, to better our relationship, but I couldn't really think of any. All I could think about is that Every day I am consumed by a ball of frusteration/anger and emotion that Adrian's dead. I think it's worse now that I have his clothes. I look at my self (especially with the bleached hair) and think, I look like adrian, and I look good. I was always jealouse that his hair always looked nice, and that he didn't have acne, and that his hair always looked good. even when other people thought that it didn't look good, i still thought it did. cuase really, anything looked better than mine. I didn't realize until 3 hours ago that today is october first. In a week it will be a year. I'll always remember becca's birthday because it was the day i found out that adrian had died, and I didn't want to tell anyone, cuase they were all excited about dave and becca's birthday. and I just kinda sat in the corner and looked at them with the fuzzy bear and the E and all that stuff. and becca said that she was on epilepsy medication. and eveyone got all worried. except I think that was another time. I also remember the last conversation that I had with adrian. BOth real and online. That day everyone was at the lan party at patricks, Adrian and I decided we needed a break from other people, and jumped into his car. "I want to buy nintendo games" he decided. so we went to funco land. we looked at the games. he wanted to buy all the nes games that were cool, then when that was too expensive, he decided to buy all the games under $1 then he decided to buy all the games under a dollar and with funny titles. I never got to play any of thoes games... then he decided that he should buy killer instinct and zombies ate my neighbors. but we went to target first and he got money from the ATM. in the parking lot, we were listening to emmin adn talking about how we both liked the real slim shady song. and that we had no preference for him, and that it was silly to have all this controversy. then we went to that asian place next to funco land, and we thought it was funny that their sign said "our other 3 locations" but there were pictures and addresses for 4 other locations. then we sat outside on the benches and talked about stuff. like getting action at chico, and Nora's soft soft breasts, and how people riding razors at chico were sacraficing their dignity. I remember on the way back, we were driving down el camino talking about the kinetics of wipeing you butt. like how it's easier to just pull your nuts to the side and then wipe down the middle than lift up your butt and go back and to the side. we also talked about all the plans and stuff that he had at chico. he was all on-top of everything. I always knew that if he had ever tried he could have done anything much better than me. I was so proud, of his plans, and I also thought that I would need to do hella stuff too so i could keep up with him. That was another thing i was jealouse about. that when he tried a little, he came very close to the level of ability that I was at after practicing. LIke with Fighting games and stuff. I mean, sure I could beat everyone at Street fighter, but I had to practice to get that good, and when I played him, I was actually trying. and you all remember how good he got at a fighting game when he tried, in only 24 hours he could beat the whole Killer instinct game on the highest difficulty without losing a round. I couldnt do that. I couldnt do alot of things that he could. but, like the bitch that I am, I worked things so that I dont think he ever really came to such a universal conclusion. Of course, that's probably one of the things that I liked about him, was that we were so equal. I mean, we liked the same stuff, had the same sense of humor, wore the same size clothes (that made clothes shopping extra fun) got excited about the same stupid things. "l'ook a wooden monkey! hahaha', 'look, a cookie', "look that girl has a really big ass! hahahah'" and despite all his braggin about his dick, our were really the same size. (which as you know, was something that he talked alot about." it was great. the best was the way we would just do nothing and enjoy it. The last conversation that I had with him online was about the people at chico. he was so excited about the frat brothers! He told me "you don't understand. We only had sisters growing up. having an older brother is great!" he was so excited I could feel it through the IM. Then we talked about the people appearently there was some cute guy who lived across the hall from him, that he was planning to get to know better. I was excited about that. I wonder who that was. my lava lamp has been on all day, and It's really hot. I feel hot now. I'm glad that I finally have a really attractive haircut. Of course it dosent matter too much, cause I cant show Adrian. Like the last couple of months I've just wanted to say "look at me, I'm really hot now! lets go and try to pick up chicks." and then we could go and team harass them like in the good old days of meeting new people and acting retarded. but I cant. I cant do anything like that. everyday i say "this is really nice, I wish Adrian could see it." and it dosent go away, no matter how hard I try. I look in the mirror and I say "I remember when Adrian first got these clothes. he looked really hot in them. maybe I will borrow them sometime. ah yes, I've painted such a romantic (in the literature sense) version of him in my mind. of course, I dont really mind. I think it's not so bad that I forget the time I was so annoyed with him that I wish that he really would die, or how depressed I got when he did fun stuff with other people and wouldnt tell me about it. (which is completly his right) and stuff. but yeah. I had a dream this morning. It was like in Dragon Ball Z the way goku gets to come back to earth for one day to fight in the tournament. well, Adrian got to come back for one day, and I was so happy, and he was so happy, and I gave him a big hug. That sounds lame, but That's all I've really wanted to do was give him a big hug and tell him how much I miss him. It's funny, cause he was always trying to hug me, but I was too macho for it, so I just stood there and looked annoyed, and so he would try to pass it off as something silly as apposed to an actual sign of affection. but I knew that it was, and inside I was always delighted when he would do that, because It reminded me that he cared about me the way i cared about him. I was thinking Now a days I spend my wandering the campus looking for people who might fill the gap that cuts through me. I'll say to myself "he's attractive, I wonder if he likes playing video games", or "she looks cool, I wonder if she'd be my friend?" but not really acting on it or anything. I"m always hoping for something dramatic like, I just happen to chance apon somone, and we immeadeatly hit it off, and live happily ever after. (I think Sara [will's girlfriend] is the closest I've come to randomly meeting really cool people.) but I doubt that'll ever really happen. but I have to keep trying. man, if I found Adrian2 I would be set. cause that's really the only thing that makes me sad anymore. the rest of my life is pretty rocking. but I wish I could show HIm! poo poo! There arent words or keys or anything to express the frustration I feel, and I dont think it would help communicate anything if i just sat and pounded on my keyboard until it was mashed to pieces, but that's what it feels like everyday, everytime I see two friends laughing and care free and completly trusting in each other, I think "that used to be me. I hope thoes two never stop being friends. because that's the best feeling in life." I'm really proud of all my friends. I remember that it first really hit me about how lucky i am when I was talking to Nick Dulin after SAT prep class. he talked about how he didn't really have friends like that, cause he moved all over. I was like "wow. I'm really lucky. I'm really really lucky!" and it really made my day (i didn't say that outloud, i just thought that for the next year or two). I didn't realize how much support adrian gave me until he was gone. momoko (oh yeah, I was thinking about how i dont usually hug people back all day, and then momoko [on shrooms] came and hugged me, and then made that observation, and then i hugged her again, and that was better) so momoko always would complain that she didn't know me. and it's true. I decided quite some time ago that I'd be more interesting that way. plus, Adrian knew me and so they could just go and ask him. it would be more exciting that way. well, now he's dead. and so no one knows me. and it's two late to start with someone new. I mean, the whole reason he knew me was because we grew up together. he saw me develop as a person and knew all my intamate thoughts. so when he died it was like 40% of the stuff I would talk about in my healthy day was suddenly stifiled. I would see something, or think ssomething, and for months my initial reaction was "oh yeah, I cant tell him, he's dead. I cant tell anyone. I'll just have to forget it, or let it rot inside me." I think the worst was after Jekyl and Hyde one night, I came to the sudden realization that "I can leave right now. I dont have to wait for adrian, he's dead." and that really sucked. doing anything without adrian sucked. Theatre was wierd. Did you know that it was because of him that I even did my first show at PACT? and his mom pulled him from conservatory, and for the first 3 days I hated it, and wanted to drop out, but then Edie put him back into it, and we had alot of fun. even though everyone made fun of us, we had lots of fun. I went outside at like 7:30 tonight cause I couldn't concentrate on my reading. It was like a movie. a movie about a resort. there were drums playing, and the air was warm and the crickets were chirping, and I stood on the balcony for the exposed stairs in A building, and just looked. and I thought that It would be so much better if I wasn't standing here alone looking sexy and aloof, but with adrian about to go do soemthing or just talking or just looking. then I went on the road between the B building and the meadow, and just sat on the curb and rhough about how nice it was. farty fart fart. that's a funny expression. Adrian and I stold it from Aaron O'neil, who is also dead. That sucked. I was doing pretty well during Adrian's memorial, but During Aaron's all I could think about is that this was the one thing that I really should have gone with him to. I mean, we both knew aaron, and we wouldn't have wanted to go alone, and it wouldn't make sense to invite like ravi or something. but instead I sat there with Julia on one side, and an empty seat on the other. and all I could think about was that Adrian should have been in that Seat. I also thought that the stuff that people (llike sam) said about aaron was what I should have said about Adrian. I was really disapointed at adrian's memorial. I was also really sad that I didn't get to see him open casket. I guess no one felt I was important enough for that. I really wanted to touch him... one last time... show him that I really did love him, and that he meant the world to me. but instead of making the memorial, giving pictures and stuff I just stayed away. I could have done the whole frigging thing better myself, but I just used the lame "oh, it's too sad. boo hoo." what a load of crap. I just hoped I could run away. run away from my best friend's death. I mean, I went to class for like the first two days, and that was fine. I really wished I had done more. there was so much more that I could have done, and I just let someone else do it, cause I was lazy. It's like the yearbook. the wingspread yearbook. you know why that was so good? it's becaue it should have been Adrian and my yearbook to the company. that was our secret project, and why he was taking so many pictures with his camera last year. but we were both too lazy, and too busy chasing girls (helen and nora respectivly) to actually do it. instead I let the other people make their yearbook, and although functional, was no where near as good as I would have liked to have had it. just like the memorial. and the stupid picture on the front. I really dont like that picctures. I have like 100 more attractive pictures than that. but... I didn't do naything about it, so it came out crappy. I'm just glad I got to work on the inside.... but you know... I havent actaully read most of it. I just told myself, I would read it later. well I think later is going to be the sunday of october 7 2001. I should make a special comic for sunday.... what will it be... oh well, you'll see. i think it'll be subtle. but I didn't cry. I cant cry anymore. I didn't even actually cry at grave of the fireflys which was soooo sad. I just got teary. you know that part in Trigun, where he's eating the donuts, and then he starts crying? I love that part. I love that part because I know how he feels. I know exactly. that's why i like vash, because he's so full of pain, and yet he tries to stay happy and goofy, and help people and do the right thing, and not burden anyone with his pain. That's how i feel. except I've been doing a really poor job of helping other people lately. I think I'm getting alittle better, but not like I could be. not like i should be... I was really inspired by Erin's declaration of love post this morning. I saw it and I was happy for her and kevin. and then I thought "I wish the people I loved didn't die" and after having that dream, it was pretty intense. it shaped my whole day. cause I loved, no love Adrian. I still do. In all the ways imaginable. in both the comradary way, and in the spraying cum all over each other way. (aw.. middle school. thoes were the days.) I dont know what to think. But I'm glad I'm able to remember all of this. of course, i've been able to have this conversation with myself like everyday since he died, so it would be silly to forget it now. I miss him sooo much. and I wonder if it's even possible to find someone who is a suitable substituite for him. I dont think so. YOu only get one childhood, and you only get one childhood best friend. but I love him, and every acomplishment is worthless without his approval. We were always trying to get each others approval. the best part was we would always give each other approval. except when we didn't. and that was stupid. but it never lasted for long. I dont remember the last time i cried. I guess I've gotten so good at not crying that I cant do it really anymore. I cried when I found out that my first Girlfriend Amy had gotten raped and killed in the woods of montana during a visit to realitives. that sucked. and since I hadn't told anyone about her (cause she was gonna transfer into PALY so freshmen year we were gonna pretend to be strangers and just accidentally meet and start making out. that would have been great! she was really hot too. I wish I had taken pictures. that's why I'm always trying to take pictures of people, because I have not one single picture of Amy.) So I never told anyone about AMY because A) it sounds like a fake story, and I had no proof, so i decided just not to bother with it. B) Because no one really cares. and that's why I didn't tell anyone here about Adrian (except marissa and momoko.) because If they cared, they would find out,, otherwise they wouldn't and since they didn't care it didn't matter. I dont need people to think "oh, be nice to him, his best friend, the only person who he truly loved, the person that he spent 66% of his life with died." I'm tough enough to stand up without a crutch. That's something I was proud of. I always knew Adrian would die before me, I just never expected it to happen. I always made these romantic ideas of going to his hospital bed, and holding his hand or kissing him or something, and then he would die, in frount of me, like in tv. I dont know what tipped me off. maybe it was just everything. like first, I thought it would add some excitment into my life (and it did. why cant all my other far-fetched fantisies come true like that?) and then there was things like him telling me he didn't wear his seatbelt cause he wanted to die in a car crash. but I love him. It's horrible to think that all these perfect relationships where they dont get into fights, and they still like each other after all this time, that you only see on tv, actaully happened to me. I hate to have to think that my perfect compaion (ok, so I'm romanticising) and the one thing I just assumed would stay constant in my life is now dead and gone. I hear about the feelings that I had and say "damn. i had that. why cant i still have that? I hate this." Somedays (not often) i just lie in bed thinking about how happy i would be if I died cause then I could be with him, and not be without him. I also think, what would he do if I died? and I wish I wish I could learn the answer. I can only hope that it would be something as silly and flattering as the stuff I do now. There is a hot girl in my math class. she gave me her room number, i should go talk to her, she seems really nice. but i'll have to shave first. I look good today. People always compliment me when I wear Adrian's clothes. they ask "where did you get that?" and in my mind i always think "from my dead best friend" but i just say it's my friend's and i dont know where it came from. i just say he order it online from someplace (which he did). He was the only person who gave me a birthday present like from my 14th-17th birthday present. That was fun. I wish his Tattoo wanst so ugly. but I guess it's grown on me since he died. blarg. I think I typed alot. but there's still more. I think about how there is so much stuff that now I am the only person who knows. like not even stupid Julia know some of this stuff. what do you do when you become the sole trustee of someone's life. I dont know... There's so much stuff I wish I could tell. but there is no one who i want to tell it to. sure, you say "oh, you can talk to me, Chris" but I cant, because you wont have the right perspective on it. It's really something that you cant replace. When I first got here (to UCSC ) freshman year, during the second day I was sitting out in the quad, and i thought to myself as the gutairs and hippies whirled around me, "wow, Adrian would love this place. this is like the perfect place for him. It sucks that he's not here. I shouldn't tell him how rocking this place is, cause then he will be sad that he dosent go there. stupid mac computer lab. I made that comic the one with him and me and julia on a mac and sent it with hotmail, but i forget that mac sending on hotmail makes the jpgs all retarded, and so, he had opened the e-mail (yes I know his e-mail password. we shared things.) but he couldnt tell what it was. but it's ok. He knows what my feelings were for him. That's probably why I'm not going crazy or have lots of guilt. Even though I was a jerk and nagged him, I also told him that I loved him, and that he was important. he told me that he was proud of me. That makes me happy. in the suicide letter (for the failed suicide attempt) he said he had always been proud of me, and that I should keep doind stuff. stuff. that's a funny word. both verb and noun. like fuck. hrm, but fuck isn't a noun. yes.