GO and Galvin are wearing crossing guard outfits. They both have a whistle on a string around their necks. They are accompanied by a third person, a girl who is wearing cowboy boots and chaps. And some kind of shirt. She is also wearing crossing guard uniform. Is has sky goggles on her forehead, kinda like Raizin. A fourth person, (of undeterminable gender, henceforth know as female,) is their instructor. She has very big pants. And suspenders. Let's give her motorcycle gloves.
The instructor's name is "Mr. Coolhead" it is denoted by a "C." Mr. Coolhead's "o"s are greatly exaggerated and apart from their word. the girl's name is Serenity. She will be denoted by an "S" huzzah!
The three trainees and lined up facing Mr. Coolhead. In standard military fashion.
S: ( pause of Silence.)
C: Roll Call! Go!
S: (raises her hand)
C: As you may, or may not know, you are here to become crossing guards! (She paces!)
C: That was not a question-o, that was a Command-o! You will see by looking at your surroundings, gentlemen and ladies-o, that you are at an elementary school-o. You will tell me the name of the school! (Points to Go)
G: sir, Charleston, sir!
C: you don't need to do that, go, We aren't in the army-o.
G: Sir, no sir we are not, sir!� oh. (Suddenly understands that she was referring to the "sir," and then looks sheepish.)
C: Now, On your first day-o, you will each have a very important task-o.
L: are you gonna help us?
S: (pause of silence)
C: Despite your protesting, I am going to give you your assignments followed by a brief instruction enabling you to understand-o the function and significance of your assigned position. (Go raises his hand. C looks at him.)
G: Excuse me, Mrs. Coolhead.
C: That's Mr. Coolhead, but please continue.
G: Do you want us to go right after you give us our assignment and instructions, or would you like us to stay and hear everyone's assignment and instructions, with the belief that we will be assuming these positions later on in our career.
C: (Feigning comprehension) Yes that's a good point-o. Yes. Now you, (nods towards Galvin in a definite nature)
L: Me? (Looks elated)
C: You have the task of being on the far side of the street-o. You will be working in conjunction with Go and Serenity. You task-o is simple. (As she says that, some random person, like a farmer or something, brings a white board on and sets it up next to Mr. Coolhead. She draws as she dictates) In what we will call case A, the children will approach the crosswalk from the sidewalk-o closest to the school-o. This is where Go, is stationed. Go will lead the children halfway across the street-o. At this point you, Galvin, are to come to the center of the street-o, Go will hand responsibility of the children to you, and he will return to his station-o on the sidewalk. You must then escort the children the remaining distance to the far side of the street-o. Now in what we shall refer to as case B, or, the more crucial case, The children shall approach the crosswalk from the far side-o of the street, where Galvin is stationed. Galvin's procedure in this case is to escort the children from the far side-o of the street-o, to the halfway point here, at which time Go will meet you and assume responsibility-o of the children. At this time You, Galvin are to return to your station on the far side of the street. Very good-o.
L: So, I'm here, (points to the diagram on the white board.)
L: and Go is here, (points.)
C: also correct.
L: but where is Serenity stationed?
C: Ah! Serenity, (addresses her,) you have the most important part of all. You get to hold the stop sign and stand in the middle of the street-o the whole time.
S: Egad! (Look of shock)
C: Ah! Such enthusiasm! Well-o, (looks at the sky,) the moon and sun tell me it's almost time for the kiddies to get out of school. Go to it crew!
G: Sir, yes, sir!
L: We'll make you proud Mr. Coolhead!
S: (smiles very gaily towards Mr. Coolhead, and bows/nods her head. Then turns and follows the others and we see she has a severe look of terror on her face.
New scene: The crew is at their places in the crosswalk.
A school Bell is heard.
L: all set Go?
G: All set Galvin! All ready Serenity?
S: (shakes her head looking pained and frightened) Egad! Mr. Coolhead neglected to instruct me on the proper timing and usage of this hand-held stop sign.
G: You are right, she did! Maybe you should try holding it up when there are children crossing.
S: (Nods and gives him a nervous smile. Then she stares at the stop sign.)
G: Get ready, I see one coming.
(A little kid comes to Go wearing a reject Henry and Ramona type costume. He has a Dennis the menace slingshot in his back pocket. His name is Dragon)
D: Gee mister, are you the new crossing guards?
G: We sure are! My name is Go, and he is Galvin, and her name is Serenity.
D: Gee, mister, that sure is Swell. My name's Dragon. I'm in 3rd grade here at Charleston elementary school. Isn't that swell, Mister?
D: You know mister, I was thinking, you and that other mister's both got names that start with the letter G. Doesn't that get confusing, mister? I mean, if your names start with the same letter, and then someone calls one of you by the first letter of your first name, then well, Don't you get confused? I know I would get confused. Do you ever get confused like that mister?
G: Yes. Yes I do. (they begin to cross the street. Dragon is skipping )
D: Gee whiz, it sure is swell of you nice people to come and be our new crossing guards, 'specially on account of what happened to the last ones.
G: Oh? What happened to the last ones? (go asks tentatively.)
D: they Died.
G: oh�. (looks worried.)
D: Yup! The two ones on the sidewalk died of old age. (Go, Galvin and Serenity breathe a sigh of relief). Their names were Vicks and Rose. They were really nice. (by this time all four of them are in the middle of the street.
L: What happened to the one in the middle?
D: He died too.
S: of old age?
D: no, a car hit him. I don't know his name, he was only there for a few days. (Serenity looks terrified, and grips the stop sign harder.) The one before that was hit by a steamroller. He was trying to save a kitten. The kitten's name was checkers because she had a black spot on her forehead.
L: awww, That's so cute! You hear that Serenity? Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever heard?
S: (Smiles at Dragon, and pats his head. (she can do this because they were standing all together in the middle of the street until now, when Galvin takes dragon to the other side.) Then serenity turns and looks even more horrified. There is a "make-believe scenario in my head" thing of Serenity envision herself being run over, and holding a stuffed kitten (or a person in a cat suit.))
D: Gee� that sure was swell. I can't wait to see you tomorrow morning misters. Bye-bye.
Crossing guards: Bye bye.
G: wow, Kids sure say the darndest things.
L: Yeah, that one was so nice and considerate too. Didn't you think so Serenity?
S: (She nods and smiles and then says) Egad! (to herself)
G: hey look here comes some more!
(three kids come up wearing contemporary clothes.)
G: HI! My name is Go, and I am your new Crossing guard. Her name is Serenity, and his name is Galvin. (the three kids stare at him like he is crazy. [after all, who actually talks to their crossing guard?] Go smiles, but the smile soon fades away and Go helps them across the street. The children remain silent.)
L: I wonder what that was all about?
G: maybe those kids are exchange students and do not speak English.
L: hey here comes some more!
G: ok! Get ready!
(two more kids come along. They are wearing matching backpacks. The backpacks are taped together, so the kids move awkwardly. 5th grade. Named Palom[A] and Porom[B]) [the only humor that may come from this is that the kids look completely absurd wearing this huge contraption]
G: Hello there! My name is Go, and I am your new Crossing guard. Her name is Serenity, and his name is Galvin.
L: Hi kids!
S: (smiles at them)
G: hey, that is a neat contraption! What is it for?
A: Science fair.
G: really? That is amazing! How does it work?
B: I don't know. Our dad made it for us.
A: it uses our body's natural electricity to generate a lazer capable of cutting galvanized steal.
G: Wow! That sounds dangerous!
B: I don't know.
A: I guess so.
B: It's only dangerous if it gets accidentally turned on.
A: yeah, but that's only happened once,
B: but the building was abandoned, so it didn't matter too much.
A: Dad says he'll fix it when we get home.
G: I see� (they start crossing the street) Um, exactly where does the lazer shoot from? (Go looks nervous.)
A: oh yeah,
B: That's the other thing that we need to fix, it kinda gets moved around when we walk.
A: It's pointing out the back somewhere.
S: (frightfully Stares intently at the kids as they pass. )
L: hi. (A and B look at him then continue on.)
More kids come. They too are wearing contemporary styles. One small kid is carrying a large load of books.
G: hello Kids!
L: Hi kids! We're your new crossing guards. My name's Galvin, and His name is Go. Her name is Serenity. Can you kids say "Hi serenity"? (the kids don't really say anything)
(the kid with all the books accidentally drops them on the ground next to Go.)
( Galvin, Serenity and Go rush over to help the kid pick up their books. Meanwhile throngs of other kids appear out of nowhere and rush back and forth across the street. The crossing guards are oblivious to this, and keep helping the kid pick up all his books. It is exciting! As they are helping the encumbered kid, they make nice improve saying stuff. Like "are you alright?" and other such things. The kid gets up with to his books, and takes a few steps, then go and Galvin take a load of books, and GO takes a load of books, and Serenity takes the kid and they Cary it all across the street. They give the books to the kid and the kid walks and trips off the screen. They resume their places.)
G: Ah, I would say we handled that pretty well, right? (Serenity nods.)
L: Yes. It's these kinds of "thinking on your feet" skills that are so crucial in today's job market.
(Dragon comes back he is on L's side.)
D: Hello Mister. Say, Mister, could you help me across the street again? I crossed the street earlier, and it was really swell, but then I got home and realized that I had forgotten my backpack.
L: Oh, I understand. Sure, we'll help you across the street, Dragon.
D: Gee, Mister, that's awfully swell of you guys. You see, Mister, I thought that I had left my backpack in the cemetery. But I checked and it wasn't there. So, I must'a left it in my classroom. Sometimes, I do things like that, Mister. Do you do things like that?
L: The cemetery?
D: Uh-huh. That's right mister. You see, Mister, After school I have to walk through the Cemetery, and sometimes I take my backpack off when I want to go exploring.
S: Egad! You go exploring in the Cemetery? All alone? Aren't you� Frightened?
(One by one, the 5 farmers begin crossing the street behind the crossing guards, who remain oblivious to this. Each farmer has a pail, and the last one has handfuls of metal utensils.)
D: No, sir, mamma'. My daddy taught me to not be afraid of nothing. He says there ain't anything that can scare me as long as I don't want it too.
G: Really? not even Hunters?
L: Not even Microsoft?
D: Not that either, mister.
S: Not even getting hit by a car? (at this Dragon starts, and glances quickly at Serenity. Then his glee-full disposition resumes, and he finishes crossing the street.)
D: No, I ain't afraid of nothing!
G: Well, Good luck finding your backpack.
D: Gee mister, That sure is swell of you three being so nice to me.
L: See you later Dragon.
S: (Smiles and waves)
L: Wow, not afraid of Microsoft even. What a trooper.
G: What a delightfully well mannered kid.
S: (Nods in agreement.)
L: This is kinda fun.
G: yeah. I'm enjoying it. Get to be outside, get to meet some nice kids. I'm liking it.
L: yeah� hey, any more kids coming?
G: well, (looks around) I do not see any. I suppose they have all gone home.
S: (Breathes a sigh of relief, and relaxes her composure a little.)
L: What do you suppose we do now?
G: I'm not sure. Do you know Serenity?
S: (Shrugs her shoulders.) This is my first day too.
G: Well, Mr. Coolhead never said we could go. By the process of elimination we stay here.
L: Brilliant! You should have been in Management!
G: so it is settled. We wait here, performing our duty as Crossing guards to the bitter end.
S: Egad! (looks a tad frightened.)
L: You're right Serenity, that is a little harsh. How about, "We wait here, Performing our duty as Crossing guards with Vigor and stamina."
G: ok, That is a great battle cry. Ready everyone? One three. One� Two� Three!
All: We wait here, Performing our duty as Crossing guards with Vigor and stamina!
(now the trio stands there rigid in position. The lights dim, and it is dark. Crickets are heard, signifying nighttime. The people stand there. In the background, the farmers cross the street. The first 4 are carrying their buckets. However the last one is carrying not utensils, but a large statue. The crossing guards are oblivious to this. After a bit, the light go back up, and it is day again.)
L: Serenity, Go, all set?(Serenity Nods)
G: See any children coming?
L: Yeah, 4 of them, and they're all wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts and running shoes.
S: Egad! Those Children as big as adults!
G: Hey, those look like power-walkers. Galvin, better keep our eyes peeled!
L: I'm on it boss! Hey, look, there's two on your side, and Two on mine. Hey, Go� Mr. Coolhead never told us what to do if people come from both sides at once. I don't know what to do.
G: What do you think Serenity?
S: (looks to Go, and then to Galvin. Then back to her original looking position.) Do your things and just switch in the middle.
G&L: Brilliant! Thanks Serenity!
(The 4 power-walkers approach. They are led across the street by Galvin and Go. They look distressed and as though concentrating very hard. They try to maneuver out of each other's way, but cannot and fall with a crash into a big pile at Serenity's feet.)
S: (hiding behind her stop sign.) Egad!
L: So that's how it happened!
G: it was not a terrible evil person at all. They just all ran into each other! It's so simple�
L: It's pure genius. (Go and Galvin squat down on either side of the pile and examine it intensely. They say hrm� a few times and look pensive and stuff.)
S: (leans over to them,) What are you guys talking about?
G: We saw this happen before.
L: and we had to learn why it happened. In addition, We had to be able to have the power to prevent it from happening again.
G: That is why We became crossing guards. The Wise and majestic crossing guard is the only job that combines the mobility of the Janitor with the authority of the secretary. It was perfect.
(Dragon has skipped onto the Galvin side of the sidewalk. He is wearing the same clothes, and still has no backpack.
D: Hey Mister, what'ch looking at?
L: Oh, good morning Dragon!
G: We just solved a mystery. The Mystery of the fallen Power-walkers.
S: oh, you never found your Backpack, did you?
D: Gee, Mamma'. It's awfully swell of you to care so much about me like that.
L: (starts to cross the street with Dragon.) So, gonna have a good day in school today?
D: you bet, Mister! It's such a swell day, and I've got a feeling something amazing is gonna' happen today.
G: That is great. Being optimistic sure is fun.
D: Gee Mister, the thing is, I'm not just being optimistic. I Know something's gonna happen today. I feel like it's gonna be a once in a lifetime day today.
G: Wow! (Finishes crossing the street.) That is pretty swell. (Smiles, very proud of himself.)
D: Thanks, Mister. I'll see you later.
L: Later Tyke.
S: (Waves and smiles.)
G: I wonder if he is always early to the crosswalk. So far he has been ahead of all the other kids.
(Another kid comes to Galvin's crosswalk. His name is poccy)
P: what are you doing here? (he asks indignantly.)
L: Hello, I am Galvin, and I am your new Crosswalk guard.
P: Yeah, I kinda figured that out. (They begin crossing the street.)
L: Hey, Go, you know what is funny about that little kid? Yesterday he crossed back over to your side to find his backpack, but he never crossed back. How did he get to my side this morning, without crossing from your side first? And this morning he still didn't have his backpack.
G: Maybe he was not able to find his backpack, and then he just went home a different way after school.
P: who are you talking about?
L: A nice young man named Dragon. Do you know him?
P: (stares at Galvin. Galvin doesn't understand. Neither does whoever is reading this, I suspect.) You haven't heard of Dragon? Everyone knows about Dragon.
G: Really? I did not realize he was so popular.
P: No, you don't understand. Dragon is a Ghost.
S: Egad! I knew I there was something bad here.
L: (laughs,) He can't be a ghost, There's no such thing as ghosts.
P: It's true. (all four are in the middle of the crosswalk listening.) Many years ago, Dragon was a student at Charleston Elementary School. One day, Dragon, who loved school, woke up especially bright and early to go to school. He had gotten to school so early that The crossing guards weren't even there. But Dragon raced across the crosswalk anyway. Suddenly as if from no where, a huge truck with a sleepy driver came roaring down the road, hit Dragon, and sped off. Dragon lay in the street for an hour before the Crossing Guards finally came. Sadly it was too late. In Dragon's final words he vowed that he would make those Crossing Guards, pay for letting him get hit. In addition, He swore to destroy anyone who wears the Charleston Elementary school crossing guard uniform for the rest of eternity. That's why we go through so many Crossing Guards here. None of them live to warn anyone about The Ghost of Dragon. Personally I'm surprised you guys have lasted so long.
(Serenity Is terrified. Go looks kinda concerned, and Galvin is completely impudent.)
L: That's quite a story, but Let me tell you kiddo, there is no such things as ghosts!
P: Fine, Don't believe me. just do whatever! (Poccy finishes crossing the crosswalk.)
L: You guys can't possibly believe that story. Ghosts? Come on! That's just garbage he made up cause he thinks it will be funny to make us afraid. Ha!(he laughs, obviously,) That's just the kind of Story that I would make up when I was in Elementary school.
G: Yeah, There are not any ghosts. Ghosts are just another lie made up by the government, like the boogey man and social security benifits.
S: (is very scared.) Egad! I have a very bad feeling about this�
L: Look here he comes now. And he's got a bag of candy. (Dragon comes from Go's side, holding a big bag of candy.
G: Good morning Dragon. What brings you here so early?
D: Hey Mister. I just thought that it was such a swell day that I could share some of this delicious candy with my favorite crossing guards.
L: Really, for us? Thank you so much.
(Galvin and Go run to take some candy and start gobbling it down.)
D: Have as much as you'd like! I've got plenty more at home.
(Go and Galvin continue eating. Serenity comes over and takes one piece. She pretends to eat it, but really just puts it in her pocket.)
L: Hey this tastes really good, don't you think?
G: Yeah, what kind of flavor is this, I really can not place it.
D: It's raspberry!
S: (nods in agreement with Galvin.)
D: heheheh, It sure is a swell day isn't it. (Dragon walks out to the middle of the street. Galvin and Go follow him taking and eating more candy.)
D: Hehehehe. Once in a lifetime, don't you think.
L: yeah. (Go and Galvin continue to stuff themselves with the candy. (It's like M&Ms or something bite sized.) Serenity hangs back, not touching the candy any more.)
D: Ha! I've got you now!
L: Yep, you got us candy.
G: Yummy candy
L: Delicious candy!
G: Strawberry candy!
D: NO! It's raspberry! RASPBERRY! Like this (does that "raspberry" thing with his tongue.) Gee whiz! Don't you dummies pay attention!
L: wow, Were did you get this? It's really good. Great to have at those long corporate executive meetings, ya know.
D: No you fool, You'll get plenty of it in the eternal limbo where you will soon be joining me!
G&L: What? (candy falls out of their mouth.)
D: Hahahhahahahahahahahah! That candy I gave you is magic ghost candy! You are under my power now! You can't move unless I tell you!
L: AAAAAAAAAAAAHhhh! (has trouble opening his mouth to talk.) I Can barely talk!
D: Quiet! No more talking for you, Fool! Now do as I say!
(By the way, Serenity has stayed out of this, She still has full control over her self because she never ate the candy. Dragon doesn't notice her, she is behind him.)
D: Dragon says Lift your Right leg. (they comply)
D: Dragon says, Flap your arms and make chicken noises. (again they comply.)
D: Hahahah! Now bow down to me and say the alphabet backwards. (they comply (although not very well.))
D: Now for your last trick! Hahahahahahah! Stand up! (they do) Now stretch out your arms ( he demonstrates, and they follow) and now!
S: Egad! (Just before she says this Serenity puts her crossing guard vest thing on Dragon.)
D: What!!!!!!!?1?!?!?!? What are you~?!? How~?!? Ahhhhhhh! (Serenity puts her stop sign in his hand, and closes his fingers around it. Dragon Screams horrendously and fades away (you know, Special TV effects.))
S: Gotcha! She smiles. (Go and Galvin fall to the ground. They are breathing heavily. They shake off the trance. Serenity picks up the bag of candy and starts to eat some.) wow, these are really good!
G: How did you do that?
S: First of all, I didn't eat any of the candy, so he was unable to control me. Then I remembered that Dragon vowed to destroy anyone who wore the Crossing guard Uniform. So, If I made him wear the uniform, he would have to either destroy himself, or ignore his vow. And if he broke his vow, his tie to the earth would be broken, and he would cease to exist. Either way, I knew, "Egad!" I had him.
L: Amazing� (Go and Galvin just lie there.)