prop: mic+wire_mikestand set
There is a mic on the stage.
And a stool.
A man comes on stage. He is wearing a bowling shirt and kakies. There is a long extension cord coming from his trousers, and snaking across the stage to off stage.
He sits on the stool and then looks around.
Man: can I… (looks offstage for someone to help him. He sees no one.) Where is the microphone?
A butch lesbian stereotypetechie stereotype comes out with a micstand. She is efficient yet surly.
Man: thank you my dear. (to audience) it’s so hard to find good help these days you know?
(the mic isn’t there yet, just the stand.)
Man: It seems there are some technical difficulties at the moment. For the sake of time, I will proceede regardless. The issue at hand hinges on the realization that there are over 5000 oil spills a year. Yes… five thousand. Each of these oil spills pollutes the environment, increases taxes, and suffacatoes little fish. But, seeing as you are at this gathering, I can tell you already know all this. (slight chuckle to himself.)
Man cont: When I was a boy, There were considerably less oil spills. In fact, recent studies sugest that 100 years ago, the oil was not only not spilled, but it was not stored or transported either, leading many of our current (he looks over to the wings where the stage hand exited. He is slowly distracted by his words by the site of the stage hand.) politicions not… doing… pause 20.
(he looks back at the audience) Excuse me for a second. (back to the stage hand off stage.) Where is the microphone?(he listens) I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.
(the girl comes on stage)
girl: they can hear you fine.
Man: I would think that to be a rather difficuly judgement call for someone to make from a completely different part of the room.
Girl: I know how the acoustics work. They can hear you fine. Don’t worry ABOUT it. (she starts to leave)
Man: I can barely hear myself! I would just feel much safer if I had a microphone.
Girl: (exasperated) OK! OK! Jeese! (she goes off stage)
Man: sorry about that. Can you hear me in the back? I guess I should wait until the mic comes in before going on. (he waits) Here’s something to help the time pass! Watch this trick! (he does a magic trick) wyuuuuw wuuwuwuuuw!
(the girl comes out with a wire. There is no mic on the end of it.)
man: There is no mic here! This is just a wire!
Girl: Well, you can use this, can’t you?
Man: how am I supposed to use a wire? This is a wire. This is a wire. Goto10.
Girl: you’re a robot right, you should have a 4 pin audio out port, right?
Man: I am not a robot emotion angry!!!!
Girl: rolls her eyes and leaves. This is not spoken.
Man: The dolphins cought in the oil have learned to… I’m sorry I started to get ahead of myself there. As I was saying, the politicions of our current time.
Girl: all I could find was this. It’s a mic from 40 years ago.
Man: Why didn’t you bring this in the pirst flace!?!
Girl: Because this one dosent work. You’re probably better off not using a mic and just talking normally. This room is made so that you don’t need an additional mic.
Man: additional? Are you implying there is a mic to begin with?
Girl: you’re already pluged into the primary mic.
Man: where is the other mic?
Girl: because you’re a robot, you’re already plugged into the audio port on the stool.
Man: There is nothing wrong with my stool.
Girl: if you really want I can put this mic here, and just pretend it will help.
Man: alright. (she puts it there) Thank you.
Man: The problem with Whales is that they need to come up to breathe. Well, chuckle, that’s not the problem with whales themselves, that the problem with whales when they are covered in oil-
Girl: (off stage pretending to be a member of the audience) Louder! (another voice: ) I can’t hear you! (More dolphins, less whales!)
Man: Oh I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to make do without a microphone, so let me try that again. (very loud almost shouting) The problem with Whales is that they need to come up to breathe. Well, chuckle, that’s not the problem with whales themselves, that the problem with whales when they are covered in oil.
Girl: (comes back on stage) your mic came unplugged.
Man: I don’t even have the mic, how is that possible.
Girl: your internal one. Maybe there’s a short in the connection somewhere.
Man: I’m sorry, was that last comment intended for me? I didn’t quite follow.
Girl: there is probably something wrong with your audio connection.
Man: I am not a robot!
Girl: We’ll just have to try the external mic. (she half mumbled that last one as she walked off stage.)
Man: I’m sorry, this should be resolved soon. Pause13. goto10.
Girl: (walking back on stage) ok, this is the old one, but I think it might work. I had to rig up an adaptor to use the amp, but it probably wont explode.
Man: thank you. Testing testing. (to the girl) is this working yet? (into mic: ) TESTING TESTING! (screaming) TESTING! IS THIS ON! (to girl in normal voice) I can’t hear it.
Girl: you have to talk normaly in it. They will adjust the volume in the control booth once they know how loud you talk normally.
Man: surprise ok I see ok. Testing testing. This is my voice. This is how I talk.
Girl: put it in the stand, and then talk into it.
Man: it dosent fix in the stand.
Girl: (to herself) Oh yeah! The new stand can’t hold the old mic. (to man) Wait I know. (goes off stage.)
Man: if I talk normally can you hear me? Raise your hands if you can hear me now, maybe we don’t even need a mic. (looks) that many? Ok. Raise your hands if you can’t hear me, and think I should be miced. Oh… Alright. (the girl walked in by now. She is carrying the mic and a stool of different height than the man’s stool.)
Girl: ok. (she sits on the stool, and holds the mic in front of him)
Man: (he just kinda sits and waits, seemingly expecting her to do something further with the mic.)
Girl: it’s ready.
Man: You’re going to hold it for me?
Girl: well, now you have a mic, right?
Man: ok. Due to the mamalistic requirements of whales
Girl: wait, they don’t have the levels right. The audience can’t hear you yet.
Man: ok (waits silently)
Girl: you have to keep talking.
Man: you just said not to talk!
Girl: I said the audience can’t hear you yet.
Man: Testing Testing Testing. This is my voice. Hello. 1 2 3
Girl: they say you need to get closer to the mic.
Man: I can’t you’re holding it too far down. I’m bending over as it is.
Girl: well, I can’t hold it higher!
Man: how about we switch stools? That should put us at more level hight.
Man: watch out?
Girl: (she trips on his wire, and falls over.) I tripped over your wire!
Man: pretends he didn’t hear that.
Girl: ok (they get on the stools)
Man: Now I feel too short. Or tall. I’m not sure.
Gril: this was your idea.
Man: I don’t think this will work.
Girl: sighes in an annoyed fashion.
Man: wait, how about I stand, and you sit on the stool.
Girl: I thought of something. This should plug into your head.
Man: I’m not a robot! Things don’t plug into me!
Girl: ok… (annoyed) you’re not a robot. But if you’re not a robot, there you wont mind me sticking this in your ear, because nothing will happen, right.
Girl: THANK You! (she sticks it in. and the man convulses, and then falls off his chair in a silent slump.)
Girl: (the girl looks perplexed, and then pulls the mic wire that so that it drags the off stage part on stage. We see that there is one wire looping from the man to what was the mic cord, which she plugged into him.
Girl: Oh. Well that explains a lot.