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17 January 2001 @ 03:28 am
more fun with stupid me  

Avast me hearties. I've been on the phone with Julia from 11 to 2:30. We talked about alot of stuff, a majority of it being Adrian (big suprise there.) On one hand it was nice to get to talk to her for a long time about that, because I really havent talked to anyone about Adrian dying. A lot of people got the impression that I didn't care that much or that I dont miss him, but I really do. It's no secret that Adrian was probably the person I cared about the most in my life, and it really does affect me that he's gone and I wont get to see him any more. Lately I have been really frusterated that I dont have him to talk to about the stuff that only we knew about, or cared about. I feel like 40% of the things that I want to talk about I Suddenly cant talk about. I still think about Adrian when ever I'm alone trying to go to sleep, or in the shower sequestered away from anything except my thoughts. I think about things like what had happened if I had made him get off satan AIM and do his UC application insead of saying "fine, you can figure it out later, I have to go home and do math homework." Then maybe he would be in this room with me keeping me up with his silly gutair instead of Joel's annoying smoker snore (he's been snoring much less lately.) That would have been fun, but that's not what happened. He went to Chico and Died, and now I'm here and I need to make the best of it.

To be honest I cant say that I didn't expect it. personally I would have bet money we would have died in his car once again not wearing his seatbelt. I imagined what would happen if Adrian were to suddenly die a million times, we even talked about it once. But I never Imagined that it would actually happen. As much as I played it out and prepared for the "what if..." growing up and growing old with Adrian was one of the few things that I could count on.

I didn't cry when I found out. I havent cried for real for a long time. I kinda hoped that I would, but I think my macho side won out. I just said the same thing that I said everyother time someone I love dies, "oh." I was kind of proud of myself for having reached a level of conditioning that I could survive an ordeal like this with out crying, but as the months amble past I feel as though I've also put a block on my other emotions as well. Stuff like Desire and love and happyness, as well as Anger and Jelousey. I feel like I am a more neutral, serene version of my past self, and even though that has its advantages, I miss feeling the full effect of my emotions swirl through my body. I Havent decided if I want to abondon the mellow balance I have found in my self, or go back and be the way I was a year ago. I should have that figured out by summer...

Talking to Julia also reminded me of all the frusterating stuff that Adrian did, especialy towards summer, when he was so obnoxious and annoying no one wanted to hang out with him. I have to selfishly say that if nothing else good came of this my life is much simpiler now. without going into specifics I can say that I only have to worry about my own life now, as opposed to worrying about mine, and then Adrian's on top of that. Of course, I would rather not have to pay such a high price for a little less worry.

You know it's funny. the first couple days I was here in santa Cruz I thought, "man, this place is like custome made for Adrian. There's lots of cool people, it's pretty and the beach is right here. plus everyone plays gutair and wants to be in a band, not to mention the easy and fun classes, and the hot and horny girls." It frusterates me today to think that if he had gone here he would have been super happy and still alive.

There is still a good amount of thoughts that I wanted to share, but It's tired and I'm forgetting what I wanted to say. I remember That I wanted to say that I miss Helen. for some reason after she visited I started feeling homesick. I miss her alot, and I miss all my friends alot. I'm also still worried that I'm just wasting my oppurtunity and my life here. I need to use this nice positive feeling as a mario brothers 1 springboard and start working on some real stuff. oh yeah, that reminds me... Pretty soon that last song Adrian Wrote should be on Mp3.com hopefully they wont review it indefinentaly, and it will actually go online. you can see it here:


that's about it for now. Maybe One day I'll write more. it would sad to think that all the stuff only I know would go down in history unrecorded....
Current Mood: touchedtouched
Current Music: Zen
Patrickmcpat on January 17th, 2001 07:54 am (UTC)
Adrian, Adrian were art though?
I think about adrian every day and it hurts when I do. I have told no one about him dieing that didnt already know, this is odd because he is in just about every story I tell... I try no to think about it but I cant help it. He was such an unconditional friend even though I didnt hang out with him all that much before he died. I think I'm becomeing manic depresive... and that is bad. My non-emotional self got kicked in the throught when he left. I realy can't say what he thought of me but I thought we used to be the closest of friends... I never realy realized that he was much closer to chris... but I do have my best memories with him... fuck this is making me hurt... I'm sorry!
Alexerror_203 on January 17th, 2001 09:14 am (UTC)
I find that whenever I talk to other people at my school about Palo Alto or whatever I always find myself talking about or refering to him and stuff that we did together. I guess to an outside person, it may seem like I'm obsessing about him because they don't know what a cool person he was or how far back we went. I think next time we get together, we should visit his family sometime beacause I feel bad that I didn't see them over break.
(Anonymous) on January 17th, 2001 09:49 am (UTC)
good that you're talking about it more now...I miss him a lot too.
I will see you this weekend...hopefully-nate
ex_hisashi700 on January 17th, 2001 10:10 am (UTC)
that icture is nice
Helenhelen on January 17th, 2001 10:24 am (UTC)
thank you...what can I say...
Chris. Thank you so much for writing that. I'm really glad that you finally felt like you could talk about Adrian, because I was getting worried, to be quite honest. Not worried that you didn't care or didn't miss Adrian--I never for a moment would have suspected you of that--but that your seeming inability to talk to anyone about it, and your "machoness" in dealing with the whole thing, weren't good for you. I talked to lots of other people about it, including certain of your family members, and they were worried too. Of course it goes without saying that if you ever want to talk to me about anything I'll be there to listen, but I know you don't always feel comfortable telling me or your other friends personal stuff, so I'm glad there's someone out there you could talk to. Thanks, Julia, for being the lovely person you are.

When I read this entry, I cried. Of course. Everything that reminds me of Adrian makes me cry these days. And everything reminds me of Adrian. I'm doing worse now than I was a month or two ago. And I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so I just tell my parents, but they don't really understand, do they. When I went to the Heidemans' the other day, Edie said that she was really afraid that people would forget about Adrian. I was appalled that she could even think that--how is it possible that I or anyone would forget Adrian? Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I feel like there's a void in my life that will never be filled, and jesus, I only knew him for a few months. No one who knew him at all could ever forget him, and least of all the friends who have known him all his life.

But it's comforting to know that other people feel the same way I do. A lot of the things you said, Chris, echoed my own feelings...like how you think about him whenever there's nothing to distract you...or how seeing Santa Cruz makes you think of how Adrian would have been happy and alive there right now...it just helps to know I'm not alone. Even if I can't talk to anyone about Adrian, at least I can read what they think about it. Oh, and by the way I love the picture of Choji Moji.

About some of the other stuff you said...I miss you too...probably more than you can comprehend...enough that it's really making it hard for me to function here at NYU, despite my new exciting classes and all that. I really do hate and scorn everyone here because they're not you, and I feel so lonely all the time. But I guess it will get easier with time...missing you kind of ruined my family trip right after I left last summer, but I somehow managed to go on and get through the first semester. Oh well. So yeah, my visit kind of had the same effect on both of us, I guess--I suddenly got homesick too, and missed all the people I care about and hardly ever see.

One last thing...about the emotions...if you want my two cents, which you probably don't but I'll put them in anyway, it's good to have emotions. Of course, being a non-macho girl, I've been conditioned completely differently from you, emotion-wise. Girls are always allowed both by family and peers to be emotional, and guys generally aren't. But honestly, I really enjoy having emotions and letting them out, even if they're unpleasant ones. Even grieving for Adrian and crying about him--somewhere in all the misery, there's also a cathartic feeling. When I go through periods when I feel numb and emotionless, as I sometimes do, I miss my emotions. I don't know--we're two very different people--but if I suppressed my emotions as much as you do I think I'd go crazy in time.

So. Since I'm sure I've just made you completely uncomfortable by saying all this to you, I'll shut up now. It's just that such a confusion of thoughts and feelings swept through me as I read your entry, I couldn't keep quiet. Anyway, talk to you soon.
Parkerdrparker on January 17th, 2001 10:57 am (UTC)
Well chris your second and third paragraphs have so much similar thoughts to me that i think i had best leave them in your entry. But i will add this i miss adrian alot almost everyday i think about how i cant walk down the street and go visit him at his dorm and when im sitting in my room and no one wants to go out and skate with me i think about how adrian would have been up to skate. Sometimes i feel that people dont think that i care about adrian because i dont show that im hurt or that i didnt talk during all the ceremonies and also my late addition to the group of friends but i really do and it hurt me alot when my dad called me in the morning to tell me the news. And i thought it was so kewl that adrian was going to the same college as me and i feel somewhat special to be one of the people that got to be around him during these times. And one last thing i think about is how adrian got me the job at airflash which basicly has paid for my living expesses at college and how he thought enough about his friends to go out of his was to get them a job. Anyways im crying too much to see the screen so i had better stop.
maybe ill write more down later in my journal but on more of a happy note
Juleahjuleah on January 17th, 2001 03:57 pm (UTC)
heya chris. see you soon. love, Julia
Ravi Kanodialine88 on January 17th, 2001 04:28 pm (UTC)
Lately, I'm worse with regards to Adrian's demise than I was in the weeks immediately after. I feel a sense of responsibility - it's a cliche that even best friends can't attend each other's funerals, but somehow I had always thought in the specific case of me and Adrian that it would go the other way around. I mean, no matter what Adrian did, it was like, "Why is Adrian wasting his time on that crap? What's he gonna do for a living when his parents stop taking care of him?" I never considered being worried about his immediate physical safety...he was too tough, too clever for anything really bad to happen. And he always came away from everything with a well-told story which made everyone grin, and forget about how dangerous it was.

I'm also angry with Jeff Hubbard (those of you from Gunn may remember him) because the exact night that Adrian died, he got piss-ass drunk and staggered around the hall hurling until a Resident Advisor found him. When I got back to Davis, I thought he had turned over a new leaf; he made sure I was (relatively) alright in the days immediately after Adrian's death, and stopped drinking. Now, he's back up to getting drunk 2-3 times a week, and still drunkenness to be a topic for great hilarity. I find myself confronted face-to-face that, if there is justice in the universe, it does not exist in this world: any fair court would have let Jeff die instead.

On a related but less depressing note, I am now glad I have a terrible olfactory sense, because the smell of alcohol gives me the dry heaves.
Helenhelen on January 17th, 2001 05:46 pm (UTC)
wow Ravi, a lot of the stuff you just said...I feel the same way. I feel worse now than I did before as well. and I also know someone else who almost died of alcohol poisoning, but didn't. this guy a couple years older than me who drank too much on his grad night and stopped breathing, but his friend found him in time and he got taken to the hospital and was in a coma for 24 hours but lived. the thing is, this guy is just an idiot, and Adrian's worth ten of him. why is it that Adrian died and not him? it doesn't seem fair. anybody can see who deserved to live more. I get angry about that a lot.
(Anonymous) on January 18th, 2001 05:11 pm (UTC)
I feel the same way except for the fact that life is life and just because you were friends with ade doesn't make his life any more valuable than someone else's.-nate
**..jiro on January 17th, 2001 07:51 pm (UTC)
I don't want to see Adrian's picture anymore. Do that block thing on me if you post his pictures. Please.
ex_hisashi700 on January 18th, 2001 08:29 am (UTC)
Re: NO
i am sure that wil want to forgot ade >_
Brianbriguy508 on January 17th, 2001 09:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you
It's so refreshing to hear someone talk about Adrian. To me, it feels like whenever anyone mentions his name at Paly, or the theater that it just kind of gets dropped. If it's a funny story about something he did, then we usually tell it, chuckle a little bit, then drop it. But reading what you and everyone else wrote reflected so many of my same feelings and thoughts.
I think his death is just starting to hit me. I mean, when he died, it didn't feel like anything was different because he was in Chico and I am in Palo Alto. The holidays definitely made me think more. In my mind, it felt like maybe I didn't care enough and didn't want to deal with it because I never cried or anything like that, when EVERYONE all around me was mourning for weeks. I just tried to lift everyone's spirits up. And during the holidays, when I started feeling deeper remorse, it seemed like everyone had gotten past their mourning and were thinking more about how much fun he was. I felt like I was alone until I read what you wrote, and I realized I was feeling a lot of the same things you are. I commend you for writing about it, because it is SO hard, and, as you can see, you've inspired so many others to let out their feelings too. Thank you. Come visit soon
Jesus Northbahia on January 18th, 2001 01:54 am (UTC)
The Passing of Friends...
It's a bit refreshing to hear you talk about your feelings and such personal things. i didn't know Adrian or anything about him, but i had a friend who died in a plane crash along with both her parents and that was a tramatic time in my life. it's always hard when someone who wasn't ready to die, does. death can be such a waste, and it's always so hard for those left behind.
Travistearak on January 18th, 2001 07:25 am (UTC)
Its nice to talk, I've been thinking about Adrian latley anways, and this thought keeps repeating in my mind, that none of this was suppose to happen, there was a mistake and things were suppose to be different.

I always envied you guys. All of you were closer to him than I was, and I've always wished to have been a better friend to him.

It can't end this way....it just can't.

damm, thats depressing, I'll shut up now