Written by Chris Webster
One day Hansel and Gretel were on a plane to Tibet, to free it from its cruel overseers. They had joined the Peace Corps because they had just graduated from graduate school, and still didn’t want to get a job. They felt that helping in Tibet was a worthwhile and endless activity, which would keep them from ever having to live in the real world.
But first they needed to escape the clutches of the consumerist confines of the United States. They knew that by burning the flag, they would be immediately exported to some poor country, such as Tibet!
After a long boat ride on a leaky exportation boat, they arrived in the southernmost port of the country of Tibet. And so our story begins….
Hansel and Gretel wandered through the streets of the capitol of Tibet, looking for the local Peace Corps office. Suddenly they were arrested by the overbearing and corrupt communist occupation force! They were charged with being American, and their expensive designer jeans were confiscated. After that, they were dragged through the communist mud, and taken to the Evil communist dictator’s Palace made of Marxist literature! Hansel and Gretel were overjoyed at the abundance of Communist literature, decrying the atrocities of the free market!
Hansel quickly sprang to the literature, devouring the knowledge contained inside! In doing so, he managed to cover the precious books with mud from his dirty, smelly body. The two were super happy about reading and stuff!
After they had read so much that they had forgotten the delicious, sweet, juicy aroma of a McDonalds big Mac, A dark shadow crept into the room that they were in! Oh! It’s one of our Comrades! Let us share our meager crap with each other! Hansel cried in Socialist ecstasy! But the dark shadowy figure, which had moved into the light, and was not shadowy any more, was repulsed by the idea of sharing his huge awesome palace with the smelly American losers. “That sounds like a comuniticiariffic Idea! I see you have already enjoyed what I have to offer; now I know just how you can reciprocate! Communist style!”
The no-longer shadowy figure led the smelly deadbeats to a large chamber. In the chamber was a huge thing of spikes and cutting/pokey things! Hansel was confused, and his brain had been dulled by the extensive reading, however Gretel Knew that something was not comu-perfect in this scenario. “You’re not a communist, these are meant cutting things, and no communist eats animal products!” She Mustered up all her American homeland security courage, and bushed the treacherous, apocryphal communist dictator into the vast collection of sharp cutting things. “OH no!” he blurted!
Hansel suddenly realized what was happening, and pushed the “start” button on the meat-processor machine, which was powered by a furnace which burned non-communist literature and Rock and bootleg Roll Music CDs. The meat-eating machine crunched and guzzled the fat Dictator’s meaty body until there was just a big pile of gross smelling sausage links.
Now that Hansel and Gretel were free of the Dictator’s culinary designs, they realized that they needed to go home, and spread the godlike knowledge they had gained from their adventures is Tibet. They figured that if they spent all their time writing Communist lit, they still wouldn’t have to get a real job, and could just live off of the money gained form the communist government, just like Cuba in the 70’s.
But! How will they find their way back? Suddenly Hansel saw a street side store, selling “real American designer jeans!” He realized that those jeans were probably made by copying the pair of pants that was taken from him when he arrived. All he had to do was follow the trail from one bootlegger to another and find who had the original.
And they did. And then they snuck on a boat full of Bootleg DVDs and wound up in San Francisco.